These Phrases from A Parent That Saved Me during my time as a New Father

"I believe I was just just surviving for a year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

However the truth soon turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver as well as looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, each diaper… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a park bench, that made him realise he required support.

The simple phrases "You're not in a good place. You require support. What can I do to assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His story is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. Although people is now more accustomed to addressing the pressure on moms and about PND, far less attention is paid about the difficulties fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a broader inability to open up amongst men, who still internalise damaging ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and remains standing time and again."

"It isn't a show of being weak to request help. I didn't do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to accept they're struggling.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - particularly ahead of a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental health is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to request a respite - taking a couple of days abroad, away from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he required a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states as well as the day-to-day duties of taking care of a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has changed how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan believes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of feelings and interpret his decisions as a father.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "poor decisions" when younger to change how he felt, turning in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that aren't helpful," he notes. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, confide in a friend, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that made you feel like you before having a baby. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and where possible, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the challenges, and also the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - prioritising yourself is the most effective way you can look after your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead give the stability and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they faced their pain, altered how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I believe my purpose is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I am discovering just as much as you are on this path."